Ever try writing poem's Kim Addonizio's ways?

[WeirdRaptor]

May 25, 2020 21:30:04 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

Feb 17, 2020 21:22:18 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

I have no problem with free verse, but it’s not the be all and end all, and I like form, rhyme, alliteration, etc. It gives a poet a clearer structure on which to hang his ideas, for one thing. Here, by the way, is an example of a poem I wrote that a different poetry prof hated (I wasn’t in her class for poetry, but she was a published free verse poet and encouraged us to try our hands). It’s not anything great, but I think the summery mood’s decent.

I reworked this poem and ended up changing a few things…

Sea freedom!
That exhilaration, even, on the bow
Of a rocking boat, while soaring off
To God-knows-where through crashing waves,

That freedom of the now…
That biting brine and seagull’s scoff,
That likely-Blackbeard’s-treasure in these caves,
That dash for shore in sudden outraged weather,

That drinking in the breezes like a quaff,
That whetted wind which now on us engraves
Sea freedom from the unreal weary’s tether,
Sea freedom to know whence we came, together.

@equality72521, at Sakaar, dislikes it, to say the least—but I’m proud of it, even though I know it can still be improved.

I don't know why, but your reworked version makes me picture a pair of kids pretending to be pirates on the beach. It just kind of has that childlike adventurous feel to it.

[Salzmark]

May 25, 2020 21:35:40 GMT -6 WeirdRaptor said:

May 25, 2020 21:30:04 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

I reworked this poem and ended up changing a few things…
@equality72521, at Sakaar, dislikes it, to say the least—but I’m proud of it, even though I know it can still be improved.

I don't know why, but your reworked version makes me picture a pair of kids pretending to be pirates on the beach. It just kind of has that childlike adventurous feel to it.

The Blackbeard line, maybe? In a way, that’s my point: the sea gives us escape from the weariness of the quotidian, but that escape is more truly “real” than the daily grind. (To paraphrase Tolkien, the people who most hate escape are jailers.)

Did you prefer one version to the other, by any chance?

[WeirdRaptor]

May 25, 2020 21:48:13 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

May 25, 2020 21:35:40 GMT -6 WeirdRaptor said:

I don't know why, but your reworked version makes me picture a pair of kids pretending to be pirates on the beach. It just kind of has that childlike adventurous feel to it.

The Blackbeard line, maybe? In a way, that’s my point: the sea gives us escape from the weariness of the quotidian, but that escape is more truly “real” than the daily grind. (To paraphrase Tolkien, the people who most hate escape are jailers.)

Did you prefer one version to the other, by any chance?

The rework. There's just something more fun about it. They're both good, but the original has this element of uncertainty that many will likely enjoy, but I really liked the "HECK YEAH!" tone of the rework.

[Salzmark]

May 25, 2020 21:52:15 GMT -6 WeirdRaptor said:

May 25, 2020 21:48:13 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

The Blackbeard line, maybe? In a way, that’s my point: the sea gives us escape from the weariness of the quotidian, but that escape is more truly “real” than the daily grind. (To paraphrase Tolkien, the people who most hate escape are jailers.)

Did you prefer one version to the other, by any chance?

The rework. There's just something more fun about it. They're both good, but the original has this element of uncertainty that many will likely enjoy, but I really liked the "HECK YEAH!" tone of the rework.

Thanks.

[Salzmark]

Second door.

Line: “To thine own self be true,” William Shakespeare, Hamlet.

A Tiresome Superstition

“To thine own self be true”:
To exclaim it proudly to the world,
To announce that you are true to yourself,
To believe in yourself,
To feel that the world is your oyster,
To think that the rest of existence merely revolves around you,
To cry that you were never interested in that which lies beyond self’s petty fiefdom,
To cry it loudly to all others, and this above all:
To have never read Hamlet.

[WeirdRaptor]

Jul 13, 2020 14:20:31 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

Second door.

Line: “To thine own self be true,” William Shakespeare, Hamlet.

A Tiresome Superstition

“To thine own self be true”:
To exclaim it proudly to the world,
To announce that you are true to yourself,
To believe in yourself,
To feel that the world is your oyster,
To think that the rest of existence merely revolves around you,
To cry that you were never interested in that which lies beyond self’s petty fiefdom,
To cry it loudly to all others, and this above all:
To have never read Hamlet, to have made the Bard Polonius.

lol Okay, that is perfection in the form of a few lines right there.

Definitely encapsulates the kind of person who'd listen to Polonius's advice.

[Salzmark]

Took out “to have made the Bard Polonius” in the poem above; “to have never read Hamlet” is a much better point to end on.

Third door.

Line: “So we beat on, boats against the current…,” F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby.

So we beat on, boats against the current,
Currently striving for lost year again,
Again with a smile from a passerby,
Bypassing angst to enter where we wish,
Wishing for the sun and not the lightbulb,
Bulb of flower in a newborn garden,
Gardener fearlessly calling hello.
Hello, garden, and theater, park, and love—
Love what you’ve done with the place!
Placing down (o Lord!) what this year did sow,
So we beat on, boats against the current.

[WeirdRaptor]

I liked the clever use of "passerby" and "bypassing". The whole poem is good, but that's the part of the rhyme that stuck out the most.

[Salzmark]

OK, fourth door. Taking my line from Moby Dick: “Whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul.” It’s really only a couplet, but I think any longer wouldn’t work. (As usual, I’m unsure on the title, though.)

What the Salt Said

Whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul,
I pull the rigging in taut, tight, and deny the wind control.

[Salzmark]

Nov 13, 2020 12:24:57 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

OK, fourth door. Taking my line from Moby Dick: “Whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul.” It’s really only a couplet, but I think any longer wouldn’t work. (As usual, I’m unsure on the title, though.)

What the Salt Said

Whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul,
I pull the rigging in taut, tight, and deny the wind control.

Based on some insightful comments at the r/poetrycritics subreddit, I’m reformatting the couplet in this way. It doesn’t quite fit the door-thing, but I think it works better now.

What Ishmael Said When Old

Whenever
it is a
damp, drizzly  
November in my soul,

I pull the
rigging in
taut, tight and
deny the wind control.

[Salzmark]

“The Kind of Poem that Does Well on Reddit,” a.k.a. “Drivel”

just yesterday we were together,
you and me,
walking
along
the
beach holding hands.
now you have broken me like a vase.
and i'm all broken inside.
why did you do this to me?
i said i was in
love,
but was it really
love??
and when you leave me alone
on
the
beach
without anybodys
hand to hold,
what is
love
really when you think about it?
maybe wed' be better off without
love.
that way we wouldnt get so
broken.

[Salzmark]

Jan 6, 2021 10:37:18 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

“The Kind of Poem that Does Well on Reddit,” a.k.a. “Drivel”

just yesterday we were together,
you and me,
walking
along
the
beach holding hands.
now you have broken me like a vase.
and i'm all broken inside.
why did you do this to me?
i said i was in
love,
but was it really
love??
and when you leave me alone
on
the
beach
without anybodys
hand to hold,
what is
love
really when you think about it?
maybe wed' be better off without
love.
that way we wouldnt get so
broken.

Oh my God. I just submitted this to r/shittypoetry, which is for intentionally terrible poems, and someone took it seriously. At least I think they did; if their comment wasn’t serious, it fooled me!

[WeirdRaptor]

Jan 10, 2021 21:15:03 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

Jan 6, 2021 10:37:18 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

“The Kind of Poem that Does Well on Reddit,” a.k.a. “Drivel”

Oh my God. I just submitted this to r/shittypoetry, which is for intentionally terrible poems, and someone took it seriously. At least I think they did; if their comment wasn’t serious, it fooled me!

What did they say?

[Salzmark]

Jan 10, 2021 21:22:25 GMT -6 WeirdRaptor said:

Jan 10, 2021 21:15:03 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

Oh my God. I just submitted this to r/shittypoetry, which is for intentionally terrible poems, and someone took it seriously. At least I think they did; if their comment wasn’t serious, it fooled me!

What did they say?

I like this! Was wed' intentional? Makes me think of weddings how you have it, but perhaps you meant to write we'd.
The image of walking on the beach without anyone's hand to hold is perfectly sentimental and was one of my favorite lines! I also like hourglass image, because the hourglass has sand inside. When you break in this poem, I imagine that you become one with the beach itself; one with a universe of tiny shards of glassy rock that will take your breath away if you look at them under a microscope. Here's to the almost maybes!

I changed vase to hourglass to fit the pretentiousness.

[WeirdRaptor]

Jan 10, 2021 21:33:47 GMT -6 Salzmark said:

Jan 10, 2021 21:22:25 GMT -6 WeirdRaptor said:

What did they say?

I like this! Was wed' intentional? Makes me think of weddings how you have it, but perhaps you meant to write we'd.
The image of walking on the beach without anyone's hand to hold is perfectly sentimental and was one of my favorite lines! I also like hourglass image, because the hourglass has sand inside. When you break in this poem, I imagine that you become one with the beach itself; one with a universe of tiny shards of glassy rock that will take your breath away if you look at them under a microscope. Here's to the almost maybes!

Ooh... This is a tricky one. This is either totally serious, or a great troll post. I wish I knew which way to lean.